Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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