i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
