We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
