That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
