He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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