I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
