is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
