mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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