haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
