You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
