Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
