Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
