I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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