You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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