some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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