So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
