Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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