this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
