i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just saw a hot homeless man
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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