Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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