I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
