Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
