apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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