god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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