I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
