his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
