its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Dear god my vagina.
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