do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
