i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
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You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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