Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber