I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
