I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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