Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
