If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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