If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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