god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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