PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
