I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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