I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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