I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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