I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
