I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
