Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
