I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
you would pick up someone in the library
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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