dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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