so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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