True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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