i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
