I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am midnight drunk by noon
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
