My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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