i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
