put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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