I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
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Semen is not good for contacts.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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