Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
