youre lurking in front of me
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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